A Guide to Using Diabetes as a Pickup Line

Over this discourse, I am going to rationalize why it’s okay for folks with diabetes to use the disease to pick up a love interest. Some would label these tactics as exploitation—I see it as using your resources wisely. I’m completely cool with using up karma from previous suffering (Reference here, here, and here) At the end of the day, don’t we all just want to be interesting? Given that diabetics usually carry, at any given moment, syringes, a portable IV-like machine, sugar tabs, and sharp things, we are incredibly interesting! Plus, it allows us to be vulnerable right off the bat. Not many can achieve that. These methods, while rather crude, have been tried and tested in many situations during high school, college, and early adulthood.

Please enjoy the following without considerably decreasing what you amount to my worth as a human:

Situation 1:

Let’s say you’re with a group of people. Some are friends, some you don’t know, and some you’d like to know better. During a lull in conversation, possibly around a table or living room, remove your tester from wherever you usually hide it. Slowly assemble the setup. Use your awareness to track if eyes are starting to move your way. If they aren’t yet, drop your pricker or something. Then move your pricker to your finger, building tension in your expression. Deliver the prick, and give a quick, pain-filled wince. At this point, you may even hear a few gasps from the crowd. This is when you drop a, “Just kidding everyone. It doesn’t hurt that bad.” Now you’ve garnered attention and can deliver whatever diabetes soliloquy desired.

–Fund the DDG Kickstarter–

Situation 2:

This one’s for the pumpers. In general, bars are not well lit, making the neon light pump function the perfect beacon of conversation.

By the bar, let’s say that you’re in the middle of a convo with a romantic interest. You guys both order a drink. The drink gets delivered. As you take your first sip, this may be easier for guys, remove the pump from your pocket, with the light glowing, and bolus for your drink. If you don’t need a bolus, produce a fake bolus and then cancel it. This is where you’ll get the perplexed, “Is that a pager?” You can then go down the path of being a doctor or you can tell the more interesting truth: “No it is not. It’s just an insulin pump that connects into my body like an IV.” From here, give as much detail as you so choose. Bottomline–You might be the only person in the room surviving day-to-day on a machine.

Situation 3:

Perfect for house get-togethers, it’s time to insert food into the equation. If you’re low and still capable of forming complete sentences, eat your go-to low blood sugar relief out in the open. Don’t hide in the bathroom devouring a bag of Sour Patch Kids. Eat them out in the party. Most people are embarrassed to eat in front of others but not us. It’s a matter of survival. When that person asks, “Why are you eating?” You can respond with, “Because I have diabetes and I’ll probably pass out without this.” Once again, interest has been initiated and you’re in the door of conversation.

Knowing that I just outed myself to all friends and past girlfriends, I’m sorry everone. I completely accept any mud slung my way. At least now you know.

If you too have used your disease to initiate romantic interest, please share down below. Really though, please share so I don’t feel alone on this island.